Guest Poet MindLoveMisery

This piece from guest poet mindlovemisery was written especially for CNP. A brief Q&A follows.

Entropic Demise

Limp slivers of flesh
Caught between contagious letters
I’ve read entire volumes
Of pale nuance, of emulous space
Made an art of divining language
From the crevices of a fringe society
I came to understand myself
By way of these paper thin conversations
My whole life channeled through a spring-loaded pen


I was a savage teen, voracious
In my appetite for unattainable men
(If men refers to the psychology of human hearts)
I tore through hundreds of celluloid Gods
The glossy centerfolds not as appealing
As the shrunken photos tucked into the corners
Delicious snippets, half-hearted interviews
I loved these microscopic outliers
The tight disembodied quotes of faceless nobodies
Feral little flickers of rebels, that didn’t conform
To the god-like visage of cover models
Just as I conform to no known ideal of beauty


I could have cared less about those vacuous beauties
Effeminate boys who resembled dream houses
With their white rows of picket fence teeth
Eyes as bright as child’s patent blue sky
Blond hair, a halo of Aryan sunlight
And the strait noses of architectural perfection
I like(d) eyes and hair, rich and dark like molasses
My smiles cracked and my noses crooked
I preferred(d) them angled like a Picasso, the outcast in me
Crave(d) the misplaced character, the aberrant vision


I coveted these scraps of authentic beauty
Ripped from the pages of Life, Spin, and The Rolling Stone
Or in the yearbooks I collected in place of friends
I pinned these treasures to my walls like Gothic butterflies
Dissected their lives in the absence of my own
Every one of them a blind witness to my entropic demise


kshawnedgar: What was your first online experience?

mindlovemisery: I got internet access in the late 90s when I was in high school. The first thing I did was join a group for people with Depression. I met a guy from Holland, Merlijn, who I’m still friends with. Two years ago we met in person for the first time. He paid for me and my husband to come to his wedding. Also, I met my husband online in 1999. We chatted for all of three days before he decided to come visit me. He asked me a series of weird questions, like what’s your favorite tool and such; apparently I answered them satisfactorily. He stayed with my family two weeks, and then about a month later I went to Sweden to stay with him. We moved back to the states, got married in 2000, and then moved back to Sweden. We have a three-year-old daughter, Isadora.

kshawnedgar: If possible, would you live under the ocean?

mindlovemisery: I am scared of everything that comes from the Deep Sea, so not near the sulfur vents, unless of course I am a badass sea creature lol. Seriously though, it’s really messed up down there. I’d rather live in woods/mountain area, and be a crazy old lady running around naked scaring people.

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